Common examples of gaslighting
A partner might say:
- "That never happened. You're imagining things."
- "You're far too sensitive."
- "You're crazy."
- "You're making a big deal out of nothing."
- "Everyone agrees you're the problem."
- "I only said that because you made me angry."
- "You're remembering it all wrong."
Sometimes they may hide possessions, deny conversations, or change their story and then insist that you are mistaken.
How gaslighting affects the other partner
Someone experiencing gaslighting may begin to:
- Constantly question their memory.
- Apologize even when they have done nothing wrong.
- Feel confused or "lose confidence" in their own judgment.
- Become anxious or depressed.
- Feel as though they are "walking on eggshells."
- Rely increasingly on their partner to tell them what is true.
- Withdraw from family and friends because they no longer trust themselves.
Why someone gaslights
People gaslight for different reasons. It is not always a conscious, calculated strategy, but it is always harmful. Reasons may include:
- Wanting to maintain power and control.
- Avoiding responsibility for their behaviour.
- Protecting a fragile self-esteem.
- Fear of criticism or shame.
- Having learned manipulative ways of dealing with conflict in earlier relationships or family life.
These reasons may help explain the behaviour, but they do not excuse it.
Gaslighting in everyday couple conflicts
Imagine this situation:
Partner A: "I felt hurt when you shouted at me last night."
Gaslighting response:
"I never shouted. You're so dramatic. You always exaggerate everything."
The focus shifts away from the original concern and onto making Partner A doubt their own experience.